Sisters, Ariadne and Soraya Koshoni, would agree that they’ve had their fair share of ups and downs as siblings. Soraya is a 19-year-old content creator on Instagram and YouTube as well as a Religion, Politics and Society undergrad at King’s College London. Ariadne… Below, the sisters sit down to share their similarities and differences when navigating relationships.
Do you think sisterhood plays into love of any kind (platonic/romantic)?
Ariadne: I mean definitely. I can only say yes.
Soraya: Yes, it has to, because my friends are my family. Again, I’m so big on solidarity and being there for your friends. That is what sisterhood is to me. That plays into even romantic relationships because if I feel like I’m with somebody and they’re not there for me and they don’t have my back, especially in this Lagos, then you have to go. My friends set the bar for everyone else.
So, is there anything you wish your sister better understood about your personal experience and or feelings towards love and being loved?
Ariadne: I think you know everything.
Soraya: Yeah, I think you know. Even [more] recently we’ve had conversations and they’re just like… for me, love is: “are you really there for me?” I don’t think we’ve been there for each other all the time. The relationship was fine, I mean, we fought like sisters, but it was never as bad as it was after I went to boarding school. It was just a divide and she didn’t get it and I didn’t get it and we were both living completely different lives. And I think this quarantine and just being in the same house for so long we’ve had to address those things and understand [that] ok, this is what she expects of me and this is what I expect of her. The common ground is just have my back. That’s basically it.
How do you want to be loved and what do you think is the right way to be loved by other people?
Soraya: Love is comfortable. I don’t believe in love being overwhelming. You know how people in movies… there’s just this passion? I think that love should be comfortable because you know that this person has your back and you have theirs. Who do I feel most comfortable being like this is what I did wrong and this is what the [other] person did wrong? I don’t have to change the story. I can be myself.
Ariadne: It’s a cliché thing but you know the feeling when you’re just coming home and you’re like “ugh, finally I’m home.” I feel that that’s what love is. Even the not necessarily romantic.
Is there any relationship advice or rule on love and how it should be that you completely disagree with?
Ariadne: I say this all the time, I think I was even telling Soraya this. So, if I give an example of when I was with [my ex], he was basically borderline abusive, emotionally and there were times where it was physical… I had a [female] friend and another friend who was a guy and we were having a conversation about [my ex]. I remember she said – I was very surprised that she said this – that you shouldn’t talk to people about your issues, you should keep it between the both of you. Me and the other friend were very shocked, and we were like, “where did this mentality come from?”
Soraya: It’s such a culture of protecting the men.
Ariadne: Protecting men, exactly, which is what I’m trying to get at. Protecting the men. Don’t shame them or, you know, don’t let them know that they’re like this or like that… Why am I protecting a man who is hurting me?
Do either of you have any immediate criteria that come to mind when you’re deciding who the right person for you is?
Ariadne: Kindness, which anyone would sort of say is a given.
Soraya: I mean, I’m more of a political person than you. I just need people to be politically correct so, for me, that is something that is an immediate criterion. I think if you’re misogynistic, if you’re homophobic, if you’re transphobic, all those kinds of things, I don’t even want to be friends with you talk less of [have] a relationship with you. But obviously like Ariadne said, are you a kind person because I really just dislike really arrogant and over the top [people].
Can you tell me a little bit about your dating experiences?
Ariadne: I think in general I haven’t had terrible relationships-
Soraya: I’d beg to differ, but you can go on.
Ariadne: I had one very bad relationship. So, that started probably when I was 17 and ended when I was like 22 [laughing] and it was the typical toxic relationship and everything. But overall it hasn’t always been terrible. But a positive thing that has come from it is that I can… I mean I’m in a relationship now and it’s literally the best relationship of my life but just coming out of that relationship that I was in a few years ago, I can see red flags. That’s what I’m really grateful for.
Soraya: I’m only 19 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. And it’s basically because, I think, of how I’ve seen relationships play out – obviously, my parents are divorced, and Ariadne was in a very toxic relationship. I’ve just never had the desire to be in that situation. I have been played, I have been lied to, I have really, really liked a guy and then he was talking to another girl, so I went and did my own thing then he was really vengeful about it. I think I have a lot of issues with that because it was like you did your thing and I was fine [but] when I did my thing it was a double standard. I was about 15 and I didn’t speak to anyone until I went into my A-Levels because I was just so scarred by that… I’ve had little things here and there and then they show their madness so quick. Like one guy told me he would kill me if he found out I was with anybody else.
You both have such different dating stories; do you think that’s something that has been affected by the different generations you are a part of?
Soraya: I think your generation is just a bit serious.
Ariadne: Yeah, it is a bit serious. And then, it’s funny because, I guess, also I’m the eldest and I always get hit – I’m not even kidding – probably since when my boobs were growing and you could see that “oh Ariadne’s entering puberty,” I was hit with the question, “When are you getting married?”
Soraya: I never felt pressured to be in a relationship, it never really manifested itself. But I do feel like media and watching a lot of movies where people were in relationships really young or seeing people around me getting into relationships, even just Nigerian culture. This society does have an influence on you because it might not be said at home but everything about you and everything about being a woman is seen as marriage, marriage, marriage.
Soraya: So, do you feel pressured to be in serious relationships?
Ariadne: I didn’t feel pressured necessarily, definitely not by mom or by my dad. It was mostly from uncles and aunties and you know, I guess there were also other relationships that me too I was looking at. There are friends [that] I know who have been in relationships for like 5/6 years, in fact, maybe like 10 years. And then you’re like “well these ones are married and they’re young so let me start being serious about that.”
