Friend of a Friend is a short series exploring modern and evolving concepts of love and relationships as uniquely defined by members of the FEMME MAG community. Compassing the voices of this collective, we sat down with some FEMME MAG friends to bring this set of conversations on dating, relationships and love in our modern world from a friend, to a friend.
Jola is a recent graduate balancing video direction with her “I like to make money” job, she jokingly tells me. She gushes over her current project working with Nigerian female rapper SGaWD on a Lagos-based music video as we sit down to chat all things coming-of-age from her personal story.
Could you share some of your experiences navigating dating?
A little bit about me, I went to Lagoon, which is a girls-only school. Growing up I was such a tomboy, it was actually ridiculous, so I was never really interested in boys. I was interested in girls, but I didn’t know that yet – plot twist. So, for me growing up and seeing my friends date and seeing everyone always talking about boys was so weird. It was so strange because I never had any interest in that. It wasn’t until I was in year 11, I think, that I had my first boyfriend and my first kiss. After that I didn’t date until university. So, it just wasn’t really a thing for me.
What was that realisation like?
It was… I don’t know… I mean I am interested in men now. But growing up they were just disgusting. I couldn’t see any reason why anyone would be interested in that; it was so upsetting. Then I would watch cartoons and tv and I’d see all these girl characters that I was so attracted to. And I was like, “oh I’m such a girl’s girl, this must be why I love them.” Even in secondary school, having crushes on girls it was just like… You know how there’s just some people you just gravitate to and you always want to be around? I would just be like, “I love this person as a friend so much.” Oh my gosh, I was so stupid. Pretty much, I don’t think I accepted the fact I was into girls until maybe my third year of university and it was just like you know what you’ve just been denying it for so long, this is your history.
This is a picture of the moodboard from my film Ìfémidé. It’s a LGBT+ story about two womxn living in post-colonial Yorubaland, who are married to the same man and fall in love with each other. I really wanted to capture a feeling of intimacy with this film and every time I think about it I remember how much love and sweat I put into it
Are there experiences or influences in your life that have helped carve out what you think now about love and relationships and how that dynamic should be?
I have this aunt and uncle and their relationship is probably one of the only reasons why I still believe that marriage is, maybe not for everyone and maybe not for me, but still a thing that I could do. I’m not in their family so I don’t see everything that happens but just seeing the way they relate to one another. How he’s so considerate of her and how she’s just such a powerful independent woman. Even with her children, no one messes with her. She’s so amazing and everyone loves her. Just seeing that he clearly respects her and treats her as someone that’s to be treasured has had a huge impact on me. Growing up, you see your parents and other couples around you, and nothing inspires you to want that future. So, when you finally see a couple that makes you feel that, you’re like, “oh, so there is that thing that they’ve been promising us since we were little girls.”
This is a still I randomly rook on my phone from Ìfémidé, which featured Mojoyin Durotoye and Chim Nkeiruka Emuchay as the two leads. Here, Ìfémidé kneeling in front of Fasewea, who is the first wife, is supposed to signify Faswea accepting her into the family. It signfies love for me because it was me finding a way to meld the accepts of my culture which I love (the outfits, the traditions, all that) but modernizing it in a way that resonates with me as a Queer womxn.
Do you think the people around you now reflect the person that you are?
Definitely my friends. Most of my friends are queer. I know the girls are more open about it, but everyone really is so open about their sexuality. They’re just so ready to live and let other’s live. I don’t think knowing who I am and being myself, asides from family members where you can’t avoid it, I could ever play devil’s advocate. I’m too hot-tempered.
This is a picture of my grandma and she’s one of my favourite people in the world. Her love feels unconditional to me and that’s a very reassuring thing for someone with anxiety.
Is this community something you’ve always had or one you grew into?
It’s something I’ve grown to have, it’s not something that’s always been there. Like I said, being in Lagoon and being surrounded by all the girls and just knowing what they thought about queer people, which to be fair is something all of us were taught growing up and it’s not like they haven’t learnt and opened up their thoughts as well. Even how I felt then, ignoring it [sexuality]. But being on the internet, getting to know people online and seeing other schools of thought has made this community something I’ve grown to have.
A picture of my children. I became a plant mum during quarantine and it’s maybe one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I started out with 4 in May and now I have 8. I’ve discovered I have a green thumb and that I have this insane love for them. I want to be constantly surrounded by them. They bring me such peace.
Is there anything you wish someone told you, or you would tell anyone, going through a similar journey you did?
I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom lately and I think the only thing I could tell someone is that you have to find a way to be free. That’s the only way you could actually be happy. It doesn’t matter who you disappoint, it doesn’t matter who does what, you just have to find a way to be free.
