Last week was asexuality awareness week, a global celebration and advocacy movement of an identity that generally lacks representation in media and even in some LGBTQ spaces. Even though the week has ended, it’s never too late to raise awareness about what is often referred to as the “invisible orientation”! We want to break down what it means to live and love as an asexual person in Nigeria and clear up some misconceptions about this identity. First things first: definitions.
What Is Asexuality?
Simply put, asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It can be considered a sexual orientation and can coexist with other kinds of attraction. You can be straight and asexual, gay and asexual, bi and asexual, etc. Asexuality, like many identities, also exists on a spectrum, which just means that asexual people can experience this lack of sexual desire in different ways.
The Split Attraction Model
A lot of asexual people may use something called the “split attraction model” to describe their identity. This just means that for some people, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things. So, an asexual person can be romantically attracted to someone, and want to date them, but have no desire to have sex with them.
Sexual Attraction vs Sexual Behavior
It’s also important to note that an asexual person might not experience sexual attraction, but they might still decide to have sex (or to not have sex ever). Like all sexual and gender identities, how a person experiences their asexuality is really complex and really personal. Some asexual people are “sex-repulsed”, or completely put off by the thought of having sex. It has nothing to do with trauma or mental illness, they just don’t like the idea of having sex. Other asexual people may be indifferent to sex- they have no strong negative or positive feelings about sex. They may have sex or masturbate just for the physical sensation of it, or to have an intimate experience with their partner. It really all depends on the individual.
Now that we’ve got most of the definitions out of the way, let’s get more personal. We caught up with Emma, a 21-year-old asexual Nigerian based in Lagos. Here’s what she had to say:
Q: How long have you identified as asexual?
E: It was just this year I put a name to what I’d been feeling for a while. I was talking to a friend about sex, and it just clicked that how I react to sex is not how people generally react to sex. So I did my research.
Q: How would you describe your relationship with sex?
E: So Asexuality is a spectrum and I’ve learned that I identify as Sex-Favourable which basically means I enjoy having sex most times but sometimes I’m indifferent or repulsed for various reasons. Sometimes, I find that I’m really looking forward to sex with my partner but by the time we get together, the thought of being touched would make me cringe. I’m learning to come to terms with these different moods.
Q: How does that affect your relationship with your partner?
E: I try to be more vocal about wanting sex so my partner doesn’t think she’s making me do things I’m not interested in. It’s a little difficult for me. I’m not vocal, I’m not an initiator, but I have to do these things to make sure my partners are comfortable.
Q: Is this something you feel is important to make known at the beginning of a relationship:
E: Yes it is. It’s difficult because every new relationship is tentative where trust is concerned and you’re not sure how they’ll react. But you also don’t want to have to pretend so you just have to tell them. I guess I’ve been lucky with partners.
Q: Do you feel represented in LGBTQ spaces?
E: The thing with asexuality is a lot of people don’t think it’s real and many asexuals have other identities within and outside the community that are their “primary identities” so asexuality isn’t talked about a lot. And the people that do know about it have a very one-track mind as to what it should be. People who don’t fit neatly into that box have to debate their existence constantly.
Q: You’ve had to defend your identity?
E: So many times, it’s honestly tiring. I hope we’re able to create more awareness because we’re here, we’re valid, we’re not a monolith, and we’re definitely not broken.
Q: What has the response been from Nigerians generally, when you tell them you’re asexual?
E: Let me start by saying my asexuality isn’t something I’m ashamed of so I don’t try to hide it. That being said, Nigerians will forever be Nigerians. Especially in this generation that we live in. I mean, everybody is having sex, aren’t we? Or at least expected to be. So when it comes up in conversation people say weird things like “you just don’t know what you like” “you’ve not met the person that’ll f*ck you well” (this especially from the men, unsurprisingly) and a bunch of other ridiculous and annoying statements. There’s only so much educating you can do before you get frustrated. But as I said before I’m grateful that my partners have mostly been understanding so I don’t have to deal with that within and outside my relationships.
