If you’re a woman, in particular, an African woman, society has told you that enjoying sex is a taboo, sex outside of marriage is the devil’s work and having more than one sexual partner means you’ll be called “loose”. Faced with the threat of being branded with a scarlet letter for eternity, it’s no surprise why so many women shy away from even speaking about their sex lives. Unfortunately, this is doing more harm than good, shrouding everything from squirting (is it possible?) to sex toys (which one should I get?) in shame, myths and misconceptions.
A few weeks ago on Nigerian Twitter, women took to their timelines to discuss orgasms. In particular, just how many times you can have one in a session, and responses ranged from “never” to “multiple times in an hour”. But the conversation was much more than a scoreboard and tally of numbers, it was an open and honest conversation about sex that centered women. Women sharing, discussing and exchanging tips unabashedly. No shame, just sex talk.
How many times on average do you guys cum in one session? Cos im highly HIGHLY jealous of girls who can keep getting orgasms 🥴
— Ozzy Etomi (@ozzyetomi) August 28, 2020
Speaking about sex is one of the many ways we can demystify preconceived notions that have been upheld as absolute truths in society. One “truth” is that women should aim to give rather than receive pleasure. In a study conducted by the International Academy of Sex Research, results found that 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex, compared to only 65% of heterosexual women. Furthermore, women who have sex with women report having orgasms more frequently than women who have sex with men. The socialization of sex being skewed in favour of male pleasure is heavy and you don’t have to look very far to understand why. From porn and mainstream media to how women are spoken to about sex from ‘well-meaning family’ members, sex is apparently for two things only: to procreate and satisfy your male partner. Anything else, forget about it.
But it’s not like women are biologically incapable of achieving orgasms at the same rate than men do, in fact, research indicates that women experience orgasms much more frequently and quickly while masturbating than with a male partner, with an average time of 4 minutes to get there (enough time to microwave a snack to eat when you’re done). So what exactly is the problem? The short answer: women being taught, as with most things, that their sexual pleasure is a negotiation. Even the sheer lack of understanding of how exactly women become and stay aroused contributes to the orgasm gap, with most adults believing that an orgasm can only be achieved through penetrative sex. And while some women can experience orgasms this way, the real body-shaker for most women is through clitoral stimulation.
Illustration by Taarika John. Image courtesy of Pinterest.
“I feel like more womxn should get to know their own bodies on their own terms. Using sex toys and masturbating is a great way to do this” Remi*, 26 says speaking to FEMME MAG. “If you get comfortable with knowing what you want, it’s easier to show and tell your partner what you like. Plus, it’s a lot less pressure when you’re riding solo”. Unfortunately, culture stigmatizes female pleasure, making everything from exploring our sexualities to masturbating a shame-fest. As a result, women don’t speak up about their desires and are afraid to ask for what they want and need in the bedroom.
Women should be able to enjoy sex. Women should own their sexual lives. Women deserve pleasure. It’s really that simple. Or rather, it should be that simple. Life is too short to not prioritize our sexual pleasure and we deserve partners that get it.
