In response to the question, “what feels like shame, but people shouldn’t be ashamed of?”, journalist Kiki Mordi tweeted, “multiple sex partners”, and I found the reactions to her response very telling. First of all, consenting adults should be able to have whatever relationships they want to have with other consenting adults, and no one should be able to have a say in that. And then, there’s the overwhelming sexism in the responses to Mordi’s statement. Despite the fact that the original tweet didn’t reference any specific gender, people automatically assumed she was referring only to womxn and filled her replies with all kinds of comments about what womxn should and shouldn’t be doing with their bodies. All of this is framed as a conversation about “protecting yourself”, but that’s just a smokescreen.
Multiple sex partners https://t.co/g5Ogq7GVaA
— Kiki Mordi (@kikimordi) November 16, 2020
The real issue is that for womxn, expressing any kind of interest in sex is met with reminders that we must keep ourselves pure for our husbands or to protect our families honour. Or, we are told that even wanting sex means that something is wrong with us. One user commented, “it’s not a case of shame. It is a case of doing harm to your soul and body in ways that go against the laws of nature itself”. (The laws of nature itself…has it ever been that deep? I don’t think it has.)
Obviously, there’s a lot to unpack there, because this one Twitter user isn’t the only person who holds this view. In Nigeria, a lot of our culture of shame (especially as it relates to sex) is tied to religion, and the shame starts early, especially for young girls. A lot of womxn can grow into adulthood without even knowing what their genitals look like because they’ve been taught that wanting to know makes you dirty, or bad. Masturbation is treated as something that’s totally out of the question, as is sex education.
The issue with “purity” though, is that it’s an impossible standard to live up to. As we all know, virginity is a social construct (and if you didn’t know, now you know), but virginity in womxn is idealized. At least to an extent, because after all, you can’t be a prude either. That’s the madonna/whore complex in action: the idea that women are either pure and virginal (the madonna), or sexually forthcoming (the whore). It’s often men that divide womxn into these categories, but like with any form of oppression, this idea can be internalized by womxn too.
Think of how often you’ve seen womxn being judged as “wifey material”, because they don’t have too many sexual partners, because they are more sexually submissive and meek; and when womxn don’t perform this role to a man’s liking, she becomes a “slut”. Even when it comes to actually having sex, there’s a thin line that womxn have to walk to not be judged as too “dirty”, and the line is always moving. If you don’t give him head, you’re not fulfilling your duties as a partner, but he can’t give you any, because that’s too “dirty”. And you can’t give too much head, or be too good at it, or like it too much because then you’re a whore.
We are told that if we live by a certain set of rules (if we don’t show any skin, if we never touch ourselves, if we don’t explore our sexuality in any way and save ourselves until marriage), then we can have the honour of being called a “good womxn”, but here’s the gag: there is no “good womxn”. Even if you do everything “right”, your so-called “purity” will be called into question at one point or the other. You could cover yourself from head to toe and someone would find a way to sexualize you. You could only have sex with your husband, and someone would have something to say about the way you have sex. Purity culture is lose-lose for womxn: you don’t get to experience any pleasure, and you will still face judgement. So, wouldn’t it just be better to do what you want to do?
I think the idea of womxn having multiple sexual partners scares people so much in part because the model for that kind of relationship is one man with multiple partners. And in that model, the man gets to reap all the benefits without any of the judgment. He decides when he sees which partner, and for how long. He draws all the boundaries. To put a womxn in that position is to imagine her with that kind of power, and that terrifies a lot of people. So they’ll call you a slut, and they’ll tell you you’re ruining your body and your soul, and if that doesn’t work they’ll say “but what about STI’s?”. The way people kept bringing this up, you would think only womxn could contact sexually transmitted infections. Let’s just be honest here: the weaponization of STI’s is one of the worst aspects of purity culture. The fact is that STI’s are just infections: there is nothing moral or immoral about getting an infection. STI’s also have nothing to do with how much sex you have or how many sexual partners you have: it only takes or sexual partner or one sexual act. And I don’t say that to worry anyone, especially because STIs are actually really common. Up to 50% of sexually active people will have at least one STI by age 25, the most common being HPV. It’s actually worse to treat STIs like some kind of punishment because it discourages them from actually getting tested.
Frankly, as long you’re practising safe sex, and everyone involved is aware of the arrangement, there is no reason for a womxn to feel ashamed for having multiple sex partners. After all, plenty of men have multiple partners (often in an unethical way) and don’t face the same stigma. In certain parts of our culture, a man can even have multiple wives. So if we’re going to be judgemental about it, we better keep the same energy for those men too.
