When it comes to motherhood, it’s not very often, if at all, that it’s presented as an option to women. It has a more inevitable ring to it. Young girls are socialized to play with baby dolls, cultivate a nurturing attitude, and are looped into the “when” and not “if” you have children rhetoric. You hear a lot of “when you become a mother”, and “when you have children of your own”.
When you’re that young, you easily absorb the messages that your culture feeds to you, and the messages are loud and clear: your life is incomplete without children. You grow up and don’t question the assumption that every woman will become a mother, whether through adoption or birth. You don’t question that you yourself will become a mother.
This is not to say we haven’t come a long way as women, we have. I mean, we’re not living in a matriarchal paradise or anything, but there are a lot more women challenging narratives about what a woman can be. There are more women in positions of power, more women in the workforce, more women demanding equal pay and more sexual freedom. We’re also having more conversations and demystifying the smoke and mirrors that have been put in place by men about the narrow confines of womanhood. And while many on Twitter will still huff and puff and quote the bible (out of context, and with plenty of spelling errors, no shade), the fact that these conversations are happening in the first place is an important part of the work that we are doing.
We’ve come a long way, and yet, this assumption that all women are naturally inclined towards motherhood, that every woman has some sacred baby fever seed held deep within her womb that will sprout and flower at SOME point in her life, hasn’t quite died. More women are expressing disinterest in the whole concept of motherhood, and yet, the general response is still some half-pitying, fully condescending version of that “she’ll grow out of it” statement so many women have heard over and over.
One of the most insidious parts of living within patriarchy is how deeply these kinds of messages sink into you, how easy it is to internalize. Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter how sure of yourself you are, sometimes. You can tell yourself “I have no interest in having children, and I never will” every day until you’re blue in the face, and a part of you might still whisper “but what if I change my mind? What if I’m wrong?”
To be uncomfortably honest, not every woman wants to be a mother. Because let’s be real, we don’t really speak on motherhood in terms of the level of responsibility and sacrifice it takes. There is however a lot of flowery, poetic language about bringing life into the world and sacred yoni goddess energy or whatever, and that is all good and well, but it’s not the full story. Yes, it can be a fulfilling and wonderful experience but it can also be messy and uncomfortable. Having the choice to decide if that path is the one for you is a deeply personal one and should be treated as just that: personal. Not decided by the government, your family members or religious leaders. It’s your choice.
And yet, it still isn’t treated like it’s a choice because our wombs are a required public service to society. To opt-out of motherhood is like asking for a death wish. You will be ridiculed, shamed and scorned. You will be told you are lazy, selfish and unemotional. You will be pressured and sometimes even taken for delivery services at church to find out just what exactly is the matter with you.
Motherhood is a commitment. It’s work, and it’s not easy work. It can be fulfilling, but it is still work, and too many women are pressured into this work, without any regard for the emotional and physical toll it can take. There is a whole diagnosed condition that speaks to what this toll can look like for some women- postpartum depression. However, women are rarely given the space (outside of some forums of other new mothers) to speak on the complex feelings that can come from giving birth. Many mothers may feel like there is something wrong with them if they don’t immediately fall in love with their babies the way we see mothers do in movies. That feeling may come eventually. For some, it may never come.
The pressure to conform, to abide by strict traditions, whether or not those traditions make sense in a modern world, or who is harmed by those traditions is hurting us all. It’s making mothers out of women who may have been better off not having children at all if they only had the choice. It’s bringing children into a world where they are alive out of expectation, and not a genuine desire to nurture. We don’t have to live in that world, and for women who haven’t heard this before, or who need to be reminded: you do not have to be a mother if you do not absolutely want to be. It is (or at least it should be) your choice.
